The danger of being stubborn

„Grandpa?” No reaction. 

“Grandpa, can you hear me?” The old man kept staring on the TV. Jason was exhausted and raised his voice: “Grandpa, please, switch on your earpiece!” 

The old man in the armchair turned his head towards his son-in-law and nodded. He adjusted his glasses on his small nose and said: “Yes, boy. I’d been fighting for piece with these hands!” Jason sighed. 

“You weren’t even a sperm, “he went on, “not even a thought and I’d already shot the first bloody…” 

“Ehm, yes, yes. I know,” Jason interrupted him and reached out for the gadget in his ear himself. 

“So many bullets had shot past these ears, I can tell…” Jason’s father-in-law Jonathan got lost in his memories. 

“Would you like some more tea?” Jason asked wanting this day to be over. 

“Tea? Oh, those were the times of discipline, order! No distractions. One goal. One mission.” 

Jason closed his eyes and massaged his temples. He was more and more frustrated. Suddenly, he felt his black trousers being tugged. His blue eyes shot open and he looked down at his 6-year-old daughter Lilly. She looked so small, so fragile. Jason knelt down to be on the same eye level and took her little hands. 

“What’s up sweetie?” 

She was so small. Too young to understand, to cope with it. Just then Jason realized he had wrongly buttoned up her black dress. ‘She must have been wearing it like this all day,’ he thought. ‘Nobody noticed. Or everybody was busy pretending she wasn’t there. Just to make it easier for themselves,’ Jason thought angrily. 

Lilly looked to the ground, her dark hair falling into her face, lips slightly trembling and in a shaky voice asked: “Daddy, when is mummy coming back?” She looked back at him questioningly. She was such a smart kid. But too young. Far too young for something like this. Jason felt tears forming in his eyes, knowing it’s not the right time for them to be rolling down his cheeks. No. Not now. Not in front of Lilly. He has to be strong, a super daddy. He gulped hard thinking it’s the worst question he ever got and knowing the answer is even worse. ‘They look so much alike,’ he thought desperately. 

“Lilly, honey,” Jason said trying to control his voice. “You remember when grandma went to heaven to watch us all, right?” Lilly nodded. Jason had a feeling she already knew what was coming but those words just needed to be said aloud. 

“Yeah, well…and mummy wanted to help her. You know how many of us here are. So now they’re both watching us, guarding over us. Remember, sweetie, you can always carry mummy here in your heart. Wherever you go, she’s with you. Remember that, ok?” 

Jason hugged her tight, her head resting on his shoulder. After a while Lilly pulled away and frowned. 

“But…” she thought for a second. “I could help them, too!” she said in a cheery voice and smiled revealing the gap in her upper teeth row. Jason found the missing tooth under her pillow a few days ago, when Lilly refused to sleep on her own, so he took her to his big double-bed. It seemed so ridiculously big now that the other side was empty. 

“Oh, darling, I’m sure they didn’t manage to prepare you a place there yet. I think they don’t have much work for little 6-year-old girls up there.” 

She scowled and shook her head: ”I want to be with mummy!” 

She refused what he was trying to explain to her. So stubborn. Jason’s heart sank at this realization – Jenifer used to be stubborn. Too stubborn in fact. ’Maybe if she wasn’t, she could still have been here today…’ he thought miserably. He closed his eyes and held Lilly close to his chest…

* * *

Jenifer lay on the bed, a wet towel across her face. Again it was one of those bad days. A splitting headache, she had to leave work early. With both hands she pressed her eyes hard. She felt like having nails hammered into her head with an elephant sitting on it. 

“Oh, Gosh,” she slowly sat up breathing hard. She rooted through the drawers of her bedside table, sighed desperately. 

“Where are the pills?” Jenifer shouted making her head thud even more. She held it in both hands waiting for the answer. 

“Ehm…look in my table, second drawer I reckon,” Jason shouted back from the kitchen. 

Jenifer stood up, a sudden blackness blinding her for a while and she had to hold to the bed for support. She looked for the white container with blue letters... Jason was just tasting a sauce when Jenifer walked frowning into the kitchen. He looked over his shoulder and when he saw her expression, he asked concerned: ”What’s up, darling?” Jenifer inhaled slowly. 

“Who is Dr. Ashby?” 

Jason turned back to his sauce and answered matter-of-factly: “He is a neurologist. The best in town.” Jenifer pursed her lips and shook her head disbelievingly. 

“Okay...and what’s happening at 9 a.m. on Wednesday?” Jenifer folded her arms impatiently, Jason was stirring the sauce. 

“Well, it’s an appointment in his office. To talk. We are going together, Jenny.” He didn’t dare to meet her eye for he knew what would come. Jenifer laughed sharply.

“I don’t need a super neurologist, some Mr. Ashtray to lock me up in his lab! But you feel free to go,” she waved her hand and walked away. Jason threw the scoop angrily into the sink and followed her. 

“Jenifer, listen… these headaches…it’s not normal, it’s been too much lately.” 

“I-am-just-a-bit-tired! That’s all,” she snapped through gritted teeth. 

“No, it might be something serious!” 

“Might but might not…” 

“Jenifer, stop it! You can’t play it down anymore. I’m not joking. You have to see a doctor.” 

Jason looked at his wife pleading to change her mind. “Please, for me and Lilly,” he added softly. Jason saw her pain, her suffering, her inner fight – maybe considering his last words.

“Look,” he took a step closer, “if it’s ok, then he’ll say you just need to rest more.” 

“And if it’s not?! Then what, Jason?” 

“I…“ 

“Then I’m going to die alone in a hospital surrounded by tubes and devices humming lullabies!” She sobbed quietly in Jason’s arms. He rocked her gently back and forth.

“Please, let them help you. I’m worried about you.”

“But I’m scared.” 

“I know. And I can’t say I’m not. But no matter what they say, I’ll be there for you.”

She didn’t go to see the doctor. And not even the week after or the one after that. Not until one day when she fainted and Jason brought her to the hospital. They said it was an advanced brain tumour. She requested to stay home so a nurse was arranged to see her and to give her the medicine regularly. She wasn’t the only one who the tumour sucked life out of. Jason stayed with her night and day, at her side till she drew her last breath and never opened her soft grey eyes again.

* * *

Now he has to be strong again for the other woman in his life – for his small daughter Lilly. He held her tight in his arms, rocking her soothingly back and forth just as Jenifer back then. He closed his eyes letting the tears fall, assured Jenny is at a better place now.