The danger of being stubborn

„Grandpa?” No reaction. 

“Grandpa, can you hear me?” The old man kept staring on the TV. Jason was exhausted and raised his voice: “Grandpa, please, switch on your earpiece!” 

The old man in the armchair turned his head towards his son-in-law and nodded. He adjusted his glasses on his small nose and said: “Yes, boy. I’d been fighting for piece with these hands!” Jason sighed. 

“You weren’t even a sperm, “he went on, “not even a thought and I’d already shot the first bloody…” 

“Ehm, yes, yes. I know,” Jason interrupted him and reached out for the gadget in his ear himself. 

“So many bullets had shot past these ears, I can tell…” Jason’s father-in-law Jonathan got lost in his memories. 

“Would you like some more tea?” Jason asked wanting this day to be over. 

“Tea? Oh, those were the times of discipline, order! No distractions. One goal. One mission.” 

Jason closed his eyes and massaged his temples. He was more and more frustrated. Suddenly, he felt his black trousers being tugged. His blue eyes shot open and he looked down at his 6-year-old daughter Lilly. She looked so small, so fragile. Jason knelt down to be on the same eye level and took her little hands. 

“What’s up sweetie?” 

She was so small. Too young to understand, to cope with it. Just then Jason realized he had wrongly buttoned up her black dress. ‘She must have been wearing it like this all day,’ he thought. ‘Nobody noticed. Or everybody was busy pretending she wasn’t there. Just to make it easier for themselves,’ Jason thought angrily. 

Lilly looked to the ground, her dark hair falling into her face, lips slightly trembling and in a shaky voice asked: “Daddy, when is mummy coming back?” She looked back at him questioningly. She was such a smart kid. But too young. Far too young for something like this. Jason felt tears forming in his eyes, knowing it’s not the right time for them to be rolling down his cheeks. No. Not now. Not in front of Lilly. He has to be strong, a super daddy. He gulped hard thinking it’s the worst question he ever got and knowing the answer is even worse. ‘They look so much alike,’ he thought desperately. 

“Lilly, honey,” Jason said trying to control his voice. “You remember when grandma went to heaven to watch us all, right?” Lilly nodded. Jason had a feeling she already knew what was coming but those words just needed to be said aloud. 

“Yeah, well…and mummy wanted to help her. You know how many of us here are. So now they’re both watching us, guarding over us. Remember, sweetie, you can always carry mummy here in your heart. Wherever you go, she’s with you. Remember that, ok?” 

Jason hugged her tight, her head resting on his shoulder. After a while Lilly pulled away and frowned. 

“But…” she thought for a second. “I could help them, too!” she said in a cheery voice and smiled revealing the gap in her upper teeth row. Jason found the missing tooth under her pillow a few days ago, when Lilly refused to sleep on her own, so he took her to his big double-bed. It seemed so ridiculously big now that the other side was empty. 

“Oh, darling, I’m sure they didn’t manage to prepare you a place there yet. I think they don’t have much work for little 6-year-old girls up there.” 

She scowled and shook her head: ”I want to be with mummy!” 

She refused what he was trying to explain to her. So stubborn. Jason’s heart sank at this realization – Jenifer used to be stubborn. Too stubborn in fact. ’Maybe if she wasn’t, she could still have been here today…’ he thought miserably. He closed his eyes and held Lilly close to his chest…

* * *

Jenifer lay on the bed, a wet towel across her face. Again it was one of those bad days. A splitting headache, she had to leave work early. With both hands she pressed her eyes hard. She felt like having nails hammered into her head with an elephant sitting on it. 

“Oh, Gosh,” she slowly sat up breathing hard. She rooted through the drawers of her bedside table, sighed desperately. 

“Where are the pills?” Jenifer shouted making her head thud even more. She held it in both hands waiting for the answer. 

“Ehm…look in my table, second drawer I reckon,” Jason shouted back from the kitchen. 

Jenifer stood up, a sudden blackness blinding her for a while and she had to hold to the bed for support. She looked for the white container with blue letters... Jason was just tasting a sauce when Jenifer walked frowning into the kitchen. He looked over his shoulder and when he saw her expression, he asked concerned: ”What’s up, darling?” Jenifer inhaled slowly. 

“Who is Dr. Ashby?” 

Jason turned back to his sauce and answered matter-of-factly: “He is a neurologist. The best in town.” Jenifer pursed her lips and shook her head disbelievingly. 

“Okay...and what’s happening at 9 a.m. on Wednesday?” Jenifer folded her arms impatiently, Jason was stirring the sauce. 

“Well, it’s an appointment in his office. To talk. We are going together, Jenny.” He didn’t dare to meet her eye for he knew what would come. Jenifer laughed sharply.

“I don’t need a super neurologist, some Mr. Ashtray to lock me up in his lab! But you feel free to go,” she waved her hand and walked away. Jason threw the scoop angrily into the sink and followed her. 

“Jenifer, listen… these headaches…it’s not normal, it’s been too much lately.” 

“I-am-just-a-bit-tired! That’s all,” she snapped through gritted teeth. 

“No, it might be something serious!” 

“Might but might not…” 

“Jenifer, stop it! You can’t play it down anymore. I’m not joking. You have to see a doctor.” 

Jason looked at his wife pleading to change her mind. “Please, for me and Lilly,” he added softly. Jason saw her pain, her suffering, her inner fight – maybe considering his last words.

“Look,” he took a step closer, “if it’s ok, then he’ll say you just need to rest more.” 

“And if it’s not?! Then what, Jason?” 

“I…“ 

“Then I’m going to die alone in a hospital surrounded by tubes and devices humming lullabies!” She sobbed quietly in Jason’s arms. He rocked her gently back and forth.

“Please, let them help you. I’m worried about you.”

“But I’m scared.” 

“I know. And I can’t say I’m not. But no matter what they say, I’ll be there for you.”

She didn’t go to see the doctor. And not even the week after or the one after that. Not until one day when she fainted and Jason brought her to the hospital. They said it was an advanced brain tumour. She requested to stay home so a nurse was arranged to see her and to give her the medicine regularly. She wasn’t the only one who the tumour sucked life out of. Jason stayed with her night and day, at her side till she drew her last breath and never opened her soft grey eyes again.

* * *

Now he has to be strong again for the other woman in his life – for his small daughter Lilly. He held her tight in his arms, rocking her soothingly back and forth just as Jenifer back then. He closed his eyes letting the tears fall, assured Jenny is at a better place now.                       

The second

Time. Time is valuable, precious and priceless. You can’t buy it or swap it for something else. You can’t control or possess it. Time and tide wait for no man… Yeah, that’s true. In fact, time is your enemy. Never friendly, really. You see, when you need him the most he always runs away, disappears to nowhere in particular. And with disappear I really mean disappear so that you can’t find it anymore. You can search every nook and cranny but he won’t come back. That’s the period when you’re desperately longing for his presence. But he won’t just come by and say Hello! and stay… No. He appears at the very inappropriate moments. Just when you don’t want to see him, maybe even can’t stand him any longer – he is there. You want to get rid of him as soon as possible but you can’t. He lingers around, tortures you with just being there. He never stops, never waits, never slows down. Always the same restless, annoying, persistent and rhythmic tick – tock, tick – tock, tick – tock…

Sometimes a second is underestimated. We just don’t see its actual value. Nor did I. Till something changed my life. Surprisingly, it was just a little short unnoticed second.

People never believe that their life can change very quickly. Always mistakenly thinking they have enough time to do this, to experience that. But honestly, we don’t. You know, when you’re old (well, you probably aren’t yet) questions like ‘Was my life fulfilling?’ or ‘Did I manage to do everything I wanted?’ ‘What about my achievements, dreams, goals…’ ‘Am I satisfied to whom I grew up?’ just come up. You worry about your past, your mistakes but also recall the nice and pleasant memories. Most young people don’t ask themselves such questions. And why? I don’t know, but normally you just don’t suppose you will die young, do you? So in the youth have fun, explore the world and let’s don’t give the time left a second thought until “the end” draws nearer. That’s a nice plan, isn’t it? 

But what if there is no time saved for you? Wouldn’t you rather you didn’t waste that afternoon just lying about and doing nothing (except updating your Facebook status to ‘bored’ in capitals and many, many exclamation marks – but not really doing anything about it, right?)? Would you consider your time management more carefully? Making it worth the while you stay here on Earth? Yes, you probably would… but who knew? Who would think it ends so soon? Nobody.

Personally, I took life for granted. Always too busy, too far away to live my life thinking I’ll just catch up later…later when I’m too old to work and ready to settle down, relax. It’s all about time. If it wasn’t for this one second, for this one particular decision (at that time I thought it was wrong but now I changed my mind) my life wouldn’t surely have even begun. Ironically, it almost ended. But could something that didn’t even happen to start really be over? Tricky question, I know. To be honest, I wasn’t very sure there was anybody who would drop a genuine tear if I’d pass away at that time. However, I don’t doubt it now. To understand what I mean you need to know my background. 

I was a bitch. Not my words but some people called me that and afterwards never spoke to me again. It was for example, my own sweetheart brother, my best friend, eventually my boyfriend and my lovely parents as well. But I guess the latter had chosen other words to describe the very same fact. 

Back then, I didn’t care because I hadn’t needed them. I had all that really mattered to me. So what is a warm family and a loving boyfriend for? ‘I can still make it up with then later’ I reassured myself. ‘Later when there’s time for relationships.’ That’s very nice when you’ve enough time available. Yes. But. What if you don’t? 

So there I was – twenty – four with a degree and a great job position. I hadn’t a 6 – cipher salary but for a beginner pretty good. I just broke up with Jeff – that’s my ex, had a huge fight with Colin – my dearest brother and turned down an invitation for dinner from my parents. “L.O.W.,” I would reply (what meant lot of work, they knew the abbreviation by now). “Sorry,” and I hung up without further explaining. I had no idea that that ordinary day would turn out to be the beginning of my new life.

Once again I was snowed under with work and had to stay at work till ten o’clock. My eyelids were heavy and I couldn’t focus anymore. So I made my way home already planning tomorrow, checking my list of must – do – things in my head. I wasn’t really paying attention to the surroundings just automatically putting on food in front of the other. 

Suddenly, a thought struck my mind – why not take a shortcut, you’re tired, you need your rest and your bed, it’s late and you’ve got to get up early, be ready for the next day, full of energy, new tasks ahead, new demands, challenges, problems to be solved…moreover, you’ll save time! Time, time, time, precious time. Always following schedules, timetables, set arrangements, nothing spontaneous or unplanned in advance. 

So I turned right and headed to the local park. I hated going there especially at night because it was all dark and scary. ‘But I’ll save time,’ I thought and persuaded myself. There was nobody to be seen around…nobody to call for help in case either… I tried to push such thoughts out of my mind and focused on my tomorrow’s duties instead. The path was lined with lot of bushy trees creating spooky shadows. My imagination was freaking me out so that I almost expected something to jump abruptly out of its mysterious hiding place scaring me to death with its ugly face and hunched figure, smelly breath and skinny hands eager to kill…STOP IT! I ordered myself. I shook my head and exhaled slowly to calm down a bit. Again I busied my mind with my tasks. 

An ivied bridge which crossed my path came in view. Underneath the bridge where I had to go were no lights. Just then out of nowhere a silhouette appeared in the distance. I clutched my handbag instinctively tightly to my body feeling uneasy. My gut feeling told me to turn around, choose another way to go home. But then I thought ‘Don’t be silly, it’s not Jack the Ripper or some serial killer, you’re almost home’. Well, almost…

So there we were, just the two of us in the dark. Maybe it’s just a plump lady wearing a huge jacket and a bulging bag on the back… As the unknown person drew nearer I noticed it was neither a harmless woman nor a pleasant peaceful man. I tried to remain serene and hurried forwards. Then he slowed down. I panicked. I caught a glimpse of what he was holding in his hand. A sharp silver blade shone in the moonlight. My heart was throbbing loudly in my chest. I had just one second to decide what to do. 

In that very moment I had the feeling everything froze – time, my body, my mind, my breath… So many things happened in the second. I started to run. But he was faster. He grabbed my arm, pushed me to the wall and the next thing I remember is an awful pain in my stomach, my handbag being torn from underneath my stiff arm and my body falling to the ground. My hand flew to my belly. I felt something wet and sticky and there was more and more of it. I wanted to scream, to shout for help but no sound came…I had nothing, everything was gone with the stolen purse. My clothes were soaked through with blood that was still oozing from the wound. All of a sudden, from one second to the other, I was unconscious. 

When I woke up I was confused and every inch of my body hurt. I slowly opened my eyes and tried to figure out where I was. The neon hospital lights blinded me for a while. I heard voices and then somebody said my name. The voice was soft and full of worry. I blinked a few times and begun to recognize faces around my bed. My mother was leaning upon me, my father was standing on the left side and at the foot of the bed was nervously fidgeting Colin. 

“Hey,” I croaked. 

Mum burst out in tears and nearly squashed my hand. It was turning blue by now…

“Ah, hello sunshine,” dad smiled encouragingly. “I’ll call the doctor.” 

Colin just nodded his head in my direction and then looked away.

“Mum. Mum, what happened?”

“You’re mugged, darling,” mum said with concern. “And the attacker also stabbed you four times in your belly,” she added. “You almost bled to death,” mum said in a weak voice.

“But then he came by,” Colin pointed out of the room window, “and saved you,” he smiled. 

On the corridor there was standing a man with blond hair wearing glasses and talking to a nurse. 

“You’re really lucky. Five minutes later and I’d get rid of you,” Colin teased. 

Mum shot an offensive look at him. I giggled but everything hurt so I rather stopped. Even though I was lying there with a bandaged belly and head, I was happy. Seeing my family’s faces being worried just because of me meant the world to me. 

I realized so many things right there. It was rather cruel that I almost had to lose my life to understand some things. To understand what really matters in life. It’s not your job or career. Or money. It’s the people you share it with and other things you can’t buy such as health, happiness or love. I realized that the more impossible it is to buy something the bigger value it has. You have to spend your time with your family and friends not with your office desk. Hadn’t it been for the blond – haired man I’d left this world angry with my brother, far away from my parents, without any real friends. Fortunately, I got another chance to fix everything. And I’m not about to mess it up this time.    

                                

Dog # 3*

I bought a dog because I felt lonely. Lonely and abandoned. No one around and I hated it. I was never very much of a dog – lover or something. But buying a dog was still a better perception than ending up like an old pettish cat – lady. So Maximillian, that’s my dog’s name, became my best friend. It may sound pitiful but it’s true. At that time I had nobody – nobody to talk to, nobody to hug or kiss, nobody to have fun with, nobody to rest my head on their chest…

I don’t really remember how I happened to be in a situation like that. My parents died when I was young on one of their hiking trips in the mountains. I had no siblings so they were actually my only close family. I’m not very good at making friends – not that I didn’t have any but I just wasn’t able to create a stronger bond to others. Every now and then a man appeared in my life but gradually all of them went as they came. And one day, I was 27 back then, I found myself sitting in the deafening silence of my flat realizing it has to be filled. With anything. I had nothing in particular in mind when I grabbed my car keys, got into my car and was driving around for hours looking for a “sound”. Just then a dog – shelter sign caught my eye and I thought that’s it! That’s the story how I got Maximillian – a white Labrador.

Having a dog meant new responsibilities and duties. I was rather surprised that I really enjoyed taking care of Max. At first, I was afraid I made a big mistake but soon it was obvious we found each other just in time. The people from the shelter said Max was found a few months ago all alone, starving and with a broken leg. Luckily, they managed to fix him up. I’ve loved him from the first moment I saw him. I gave him a new home and he…well… filled the silence with his cheerful barking. Of course we had our ups and downs at the beginning. For example, when I came home and found the sofa in pieces or my bed soaked with every animal liquid imaginable. After all troubles both of us were grateful we had one another. It may sound ridiculous but we somehow understood each other.   

Anyway, I’m a big fan of romantic novels and films. As I’ve already read and seen too many of them my imagination is sometimes very vivid, unrealistic and naïve – just as all of this sentimental crap. Maybe I tend to like such things because they always have a happy end.  Something I’m searching for for so long.  I kept imagining the twist of my fate – coincidentally bumping into the love of my life in the middle of a crowded street, or being rescued in a dangerous situation, or a new colleague whom I’d hate at first but then would madly love, or a stranger appearing on the same spot at the same time and we would just naturally fall in love. Just for the record, nothing like that has ever happened to me.

However, with a dog my imagination had new material to work with. For example, me, taking Max for a walk. Max hearing sounds in the distance, pulling on the line so hard I can’t hold him back anymore. Me running and desperately shouting his name. Then me turning around a corner and seeing a sexy stranger kneeling down and stroking Max. He looking up to me, sparks in his blue eyes, asking whether it’s my dog. Me answering yes. He asking me out. He passionately kissing me. Us having dirty sex. Marrying. Having children… THE END.

Or: Me in the woods with Max. A super – cute man with his female dog approaching. Our dogs sniff at each other, are playing with each other while we are talking, arranging to go for a walk together again. And again and again. Then creating two perfect pairs. Of course nothing like this happened to me within the 5 years I’ve had Max. Neither were any on my dog – involving – guys – picking – up methods successful. But…

One day I went to a nearby forest with Max to get a bit fresh air. It was very hot so I was drinking a lot of water for the whole time we were out. Unfortunately, the size of my bladder spoke for itself. I was too far from my flat to get there on time. That was an emergency. I tied Max to a tree and looked around. Perfect, nobody in sight. I spotted some bushes suitable as a provisional toilet. I dropped my shorts and knickers and squatted down. Suddenly, I heard an angry aggressive voice. The person was screaming furiously at somebody. A pleasant fear took over me and I slightly shivered. It felt weird to be scared of something but being drawn to it at the same time. I couldn’t quite explain. Nevertheless, it was a man and he yelled: “No! STOP IT!!! You must be crazy!” Pause. 

“Oh, yes. You always know how to destroy me life…” Another pause.

“What?! For my own good?! Are you actually listening to what you’re saying?” The man was kicking things around him.

“If you EVER call this NUMBER again I SWEAR I…” I held my breath and waited what came next.

“Worse…yes…I hate you too!” 

Then I heard something smashing against a rock and part of his mobile phone were flying by nearby. I gulped hard and tried to make my way back to Max unnoticed. Although, I wasn’t very successful. A twig cracked under my shoe. Hurried steps were approaching the place I was standing at. 

“Who is there?” he cried. 

My heart beat wildly and I was rooted to the spot. My shaking hand was clasped to my chest and the other one held on to a tree for support. For my height and red hair it wasn’t very hard to notice me in the see of green. The man’s face popped out of the leaves of “my toilet”. 

“Ehm…I – I…” I stammered nervously. 

“I really wasn’t eavesdropping… I – I was just…” I broke off. He raised his eyebrow and waited patiently. 

I pursed my lips and mumbled: “Well, I was just pissing…”

He raised the other eyebrow as well, took a deep breath and said: “Hmm I can smell that.” His serious face relaxed and burst out laughing. I really didn’t expect that but couldn’t help myself and joined him. 

When he calmed down a bit he held out his hand and said: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. It was just my mother on the phone. I know one shouldn’t be talking to his mother like that but she is making hell out of my life…” He smiled sadly. 

“Well, never mind, it’s a long story. I’d better be going.” But he actually didn’t move an inch.

“Yeah, sure. Me too. I’ve got a dog waiting for me,” I pointed with my thumb behind my back.

“You’ve got a dog?” his eyes lit up.

“Would you like to see it?” I said sooner than I could think of it better.

“Sure,” he smiled suggestively and gave me a once – over. I spun around and led the way back to Max, smiling to myself.

‘Why do I like him so much? That’s sick, I know him only 5 minutes…’

“And..?”

“And what?”

“What’s your name, stranger?”

“Michael. And yours?”

“I’m Victoria. And this,” I bended forward to scratch Max and gave Michael a good view of my bottom, “is Maximillian.”

“Hey you,” he stroke his back.

“Maximillian, would you mind if I accompany you on your walk?” Max barked and licked his face.

“I guess he wouldn’t.” Michael stood up, looked me deep in the eyes and asked: “And Maximillian, do you think Victoria would mind if I join you?” Max barked again and I smiled.

We were walking around the forest for hours. We were talking about so many things – from the weather to his complicated relationship to his mother, about our hobbies, pets, jobs, families, favourite bands, books or films. We shared our opinions about politics, culture, religion, love… I was so easy, like talking to an old friend. Everything had such a natural flow. I thought I finally found my soul mate. I was waiting for so long, dreaming, imagining and now I met him in such a bizarre situation. What I liked about him the most was that he wasn’t trying to hide his bad traits at any cost. Not that he was presenting them with pride but he was just honest and wasn’t picturing himself as a saint. I really hate two – faced people. Michael was different –that was one thing I was sure of. Well, we have known each other just a few hours and I wanted more. I thought I must have gone crazy – Am I really falling in love with a complete stranger?!

When we neared my flat I gathered all my courage to ask him the question I’d been meaning to ask since he smiled for the first time.

“Mike, tell me… do you have a girlfriend, wife or anything?” I bit my lip nervously and leaned against my front door. He took my hand and made a step forward, my heartbeat quickening.

“No girlfriend,” he said in his deep voice.

“No wife,” he moved even closer.

“Nothing,” he said, our lips almost touching. Then he gave me a gentle peck.

‘What? That’s all?! Fail!’ He must have noticed my disappointment because he asked: “When will I see you again?”

“Too – night?” I said hoping against hope.

“Sure. Why losing precious time?” he laughed.

“Michael, I…” he put his finger on my lips and smiled.

“Victoria, it’s freaking me out what I feel about you.” My jaw dropped and I had to blink a few times to be sure I wasn’t dreaming.

“You don’t have to say anything. I know it’s probably physically and logically impossible but truly I feel there’s something special between us,” he said and kissed me passionately.

“Eight o’clock?”

“I’ll be here.”

You can imagine what I was going through. I never felt like that about a man before nor did I think it was even possible to happen to me. But it did happen. I was running to and fro like insane, Max watching me with his big brown eyes. If he were a human being he would surely say: ”Oh dear, wake up… he is just a fucking asshole trying to get you laid.”

Yes, this sentence built up in my mind but I ignored it and didn’t want to believe it. I reassured myself by repeating: ‘No. He is special, not like any other man. This is true love and he feels it too!’ 

I washed my hair, painted my nails, removed every unpleasant hair, picked the perfect outfit and helped my face with make – up to look flawless. I was highly satisfied with the result and I’m my own biggest critic.

The doorbell rang exactly at 20.00. I glanced at Max.

“Wish me luck!” I mouthed to him and opened the door. I very much appreciated that Michael looked at first in my eyes and then studied my boobs. He looked even hotter than I had remembered him. The smell of his aftershave was killing me! He was wearing a light blue shirt, dark jeans and blue Converse to look casual.

“Are you ready?” he offered me his arm. I grabbed it and off we went.

The evening went smoothly. He took me to the cinema and then to a small and cozy restaurant. I couldn’t get enough of this man. I wanted him to become a part of my life. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe people like us don’t need much time to get to know each other…

He brought me back home.

“I don’t want it to end,” I said sounding a little desperate.

“It doesn’t have to.” He smoothed my hair, took a strand and smelt it closing his eyes.

“Come up,” I whispered… and he followed.

I sat down on my sofa thinking my heart is going to pop out of my chest. He knelt down in front of me and started to slowly kiss his way up my arm. When he reached my shoulder he began to peel the dress off, the strap between his teeth. Then his lips on my neck sent a freezing shiver down my spine. I was losing control… I grabbed the back of his head and pulled him closer. I wanted to feel him… his hands all over my body. I began to unbutton his shirt revealing his bare chest. I felt his hand moving from my knee to the tight reaching my knickers… I was prepared for them to be pulled down but suddenly he changed his mind. I was confused but soon understood he wanted to explore my body some more. He cupped my breasts with both hands, squeezed them, kissed them. He held my head and we kissed. He ran his finger from my nose down to my lips, chin, to my cleavage, down to the belly and lower and lower. He whispered: “The way to paradise…” I opened my eyes and saw the look in his eyes saying: ‘The gentleman is gone. The beast was released.’ He tore off the last pieces concealing my body and the silence of my flat was broken…

The morning sun tickled my eyelids. I yawned and stretched, my hand feeling for Michael’s body in my bed. However, only sheets and pillows were left. I quickly sat up shaking my head: ‘No. No way. He must be here. He’s is probably making me breakfast. Or has gone to buy something.’

No notes. No messages. No Michael. I had to accept the fact – no love.        

I don’t even have his phone number or address. Nothing. He disappeared like a ghost. Just a one – night – stand. That was a year ago. I suppose I really need a punch in the face. You know why? I still think of him, look for him in the street, in the forest. Because I still love him. I know it’s sick and I probably need professional help. But I do still love him. And what’s the point of loving someone who doesn’t give a fucking shit about you? Well, there’s no point. It’s just like trying to warm up on a cold fire… Though Max could fill the silence of my flat, he couldn’t fill the silence and emptiness of my heart. 

*= you may wonder why number 3... just because I've read a book of short stories and the first one was called 'Dog' and there was also another one called Dog # 2. That's why mine is the third :) (The two dogs to be found here: Toby Litt - I play the drums in a band called okay)