Way home

Distance: 16, 530 km

Finally heading home. This was awful of a day. I’m ready to drop. My only wish is to shorten the distance between my head and my pillow to the minimum as soon as possible. 

Just to explain why my day was so terrible: I had to give a presentation at work in front of like 20- 30 people. Honestly, I’m really not the type of person for such things – I’m nervous, afraid of failing, making mistakes, stammering, not spontaneous enough etc. etc. etc. It’s just really not my thing… not only was I nervous but I also breached the chronology of the presentation, so I had to get back to this and that. What resulted in forgetting to mention some quintessential matters. 

Moreover, my mouth was so dry so I wanted to drink some water but as it happens sometimes, especially when you least expect it, you unconsciously mess up the drinking slash gulping process as such  and you cough and cough and cough and choke a little more as if you were supposed to get your lungs out not just a few strayed drops of water. Anyway, you think it’s fine and eventually want to speak up again cause it’s embarrassing how everybody keeps staring at you as if you have tuberculosis… but after every third word the urge to cough comes back and it sounds like: “Let’s turn our attention …ehm…to the next p …ehm ehm …sorry …point of this …ehm ehm ehm …this… ehm… presentation. Ehm… sorry.”

Yes, it definitely gives you more confidence and courage to carry on. No, you’re definitely not close to burst out in tears and run away pressing your own hand in the shape of an ‘L’ on your forehead. No, not at all. 

Additionally, I wasn’t able to answer several questions – my only reaction being more and more colour in my cheeks. Then my boss hasn’t forgotten to express his utter disappointment and stress that I’d rather be looking for a new job as this was my chance to ‘shine’. 

Nevertheless, my bus is here and I’m on my way home. Not a single free seat. Great. I’m holding onto a bar and the monotonous rattling makes me sleepy. People around push and shove and I feel even more uncomfortable. I decide to fix upon a point behind the window and wait… Unfortunately, I can’t avoid noticing a little boy picking his nose very intensely. I shake my head at his mother sitting next to him texting or whatever on her smartphone. Her eyes are fixed on the screen completely unaware of the surrounding world. The boy studies a loathsome find from the depths of his nose now on his finger. “Look, mummy,” he trusts the finger at her. She mumbles something, continues to text and the boy looks disappointed. On this I close my eyes for a second but two high – pitched voices just don’t leave me at peace. They belong to the two young I’d say 15 – year – old girls sitting nearby. I try not to listen to them but it’s impossible. 

Distance: 16, 000 km

Girl Nr. 1: Oh my God! Really?

Girl Nr. 2: Yes! I – I can’t believe it. But wait till you hear this.

She dramatically drops her voice.

Girl Nr. 2: Yesterday I was in a very bad mood because of you know what…

The other girl nods vigorously.

Girl Nr. 2: But despite that I logged in, you know just in case…

Girl Nr. 1: Yeah. And then?

Girl Nr. 2 breaths in and prepares for the big news.

Girl Nr. 2: He poked me!

Girl Nr. 1: No!

Girl Nr. 2: Yes!

Girl Nr. 1: Oh my God!

Girl Nr. 2: Exactly!

In my head: What the fuck? He did what?!

Nr. 1: Jeff, right?

Nr. 2: Of course, who else?

Nr. 1: I don’t know maybe there’s another one.

She smiles cunningly.

Nr. 2: Wait. Do you know something that I don’t?

Nr. 1: No. I just …you know.

Nr.2: No, I actually don’t. Who else?

She raises her voice.

Nr. 1: Nobody. Calm down, I’m just asking. Cause in such a beautiful girl as you could be interested more boys.

Nr. 2: Oh.

Nr. 2 looks pleased now and carries on immediately.

Nr. 2: Well, anyway he poked me and…

Nr. 1: Did you poke him back?

Her eyes are now popping out of her head.

Nr. 2 winks and nods her head very slowly. Nr. 1 squeaks and claps her hands quickly. Some heads in the bus turn in their direction.

Nr. 2: Yes, but wait till you hear this!

I look at Nr. 1 and think: Breathe girl, for God’s sake, breathe.

Nr. 2: Then I wrote a status: Are you thinking what I’m thinking …?

Nr. 1 interrupts with an: Oh my God, that’s brilliant! exclamation and I roll my eyes. Nr. 2 laughs playfully and says: Thank you. And two minutes later …Guess what?!

Nr. 1: No way!

Nr. 2: Yes!

Nr. 1: No!

Nr. 2: Yes!

Nr. 1 He wrote you a message!

Nr. 2: Yes! Ehm what? No!

Nr. 1’s face flushes: What then?

Nr. 2: He liked it!

In my head: How can she possibly know he likes it, when he didn’t send her a message or something…

Nr. 1’s eyes widen and her hand flies to her mouth. Nr. 2 raises her finger and adds: And that’s still not it!

In my head: Jesus Christ, help me!

I guess Nr. 1 is too gobsmacked to react so Nr. 2 goes on.

Nr. 2: He commented on it!!!

Nr. 1: Whaaaaat?!

Nr. 2: Yes!

Nr. 1: But what did he say?

Nr. 2: Yes!

Nr. 1: W – what? I don’t get it. What did he write on your status …?

He WROTE YES. Nr. 2 yells.

Some people shake their heads indignantly, others murmur under their breaths. Realization creeps on Nr. 1.

Nr. 1: Oh …OH MY GOSH!

They squeak, hug and are near to tears. And I sigh.

Distance: 14, 320 km

Nr. 1: Awww. He is TOTALLY into you!

Nr. 2: I know, right?

Nr. 1: I’m so happy for you two!

I couldn’t bear it any longer and burst out: For heaven’s sake it’s not like they’re getting married! 

People around giggle, some give an amused nod, others raise their eyebrows. Nr. 1 and Nr. 2 look at me both somewhat scared and insulted. Nr. 1 shakes her head, puts an arm around Nr. 2 and whispers something comforting to her. At least they’re quiet for a while.

Distance: 9, 790 km

They whisper to each other again, keeping an eye on me. They’re probably saying something like: She’s a bitter old – fashioned lady, bored of life, who can’t grand a bit of happiness to others ...Moreover, who doesn’t remember how it was to be young.

Distance: 2, 120 km 

I finally get off the bus and am on my way home. Just a few – minute walk ahead. 

Distance: 0, 093 km

My house is in view! Suddenly, a picture of a lonely exhausted mountaineer collapsing near a cottage, where his life would be saved, jumps in my head. ‘But I’ll make it,’ I smile to myself, unlock the door, take my coat and shoes off and go to the kitchen where David is sitting at the table, lots of papers scattered in front of him. His elbows are resting on the table and he’s massaging his temples with his eyes closed. As I step into the kitchen his head flies up and a bright smile crosses his worried face. I kiss him and ask: “Hey honey, how was your day?”

David: Don’t ask, if you don’t know.

I make a face and he asks about mine.

Me: Well, there are going to be other days, right? What are you up to?

David answers with a heavy sigh: Bills.

I see wrinkles settling on his face.

“Let’s go to bed,” I say with a yawn.

David: Go ahead. I’ll be there in a minute.

And he turns back to the papers. I kiss him good night and go up the stairs.

Distance: 0, 006 km

“Ehm darling?” I hear David call from downstairs. 

Distance: 0, 008 km

Me: Yeah?

David: Did you call the plumber?

In my head: Oh shit, another facepalm moment in this day…

Me: I’m sorry, I’ve totally forgotten… I’ll do it tomorrow, promise.

David: Okay, but be sure you do, cause I don’t know how long we can keep it like this. He points at the sink.

Me: Don’t worry. 

I smile and make my way back up. My eyelids are heavy. I’d like to have a bath first but it remains a wish. I think of Nr. 1 a 2’s ridiculous conversation and in this weak moment wish to have their problems. Fully dressed I collapse to the bed, close my eyes and zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Distance: 0, 000 km