A bedtime story

1:28 a.m.                                                                                   on 28.12.2011

                                     

I’m wide awake. It took me an hour to accept the fact that sleep won’t come soon…Never mind. I guess my head is too full and can’t be switched of – or at least put to stand by for a while. I wanted to get up earlier tomorrow (well today) and finally finish my German translation. But I guess I’ll just end up tired and unable to get up in the morning. So I’ll sleep late, finish the translation later and as a result manage to do far less things than I hoped… 

I noticed I keep saying ‘I don’t have time’ quite a lot recently. That makes me kinda sad… I’ve got the feeling I’ll never find the time for some things. I may sound pathetic but I sometimes feel I’m running out of time no matter what I do. But there’s yet so much to be done, seen, heard, felt… I know I’m being melodramatic right now but hey, it’s 1:36 a.m. I’m meant to be.

I wonder when I fall asleep. I hate sleepless nights. They’re such a waste of time! Precious time…Because you neither sleep/rest nor do something productive/creative/pleasant… You’re just tossing and turning, trying to find the position that eventually brings sleep. And there’s still the glimmer of hope, you know… You don’t give up after 10 minutes or half an hour. You keep saying to yourself: ‘Don’t worry sooner or later you’re going to sleep like a baby! Just don’t try to wake yourself even more. Keep your eyes shut. It’ll come naturally. Just stop focusing on the process itself. And don’t think about not thinking about falling asleep – that won’t help either. Just think of something else. But try to avoid your problems, plans or duties. It’s going to bother you too much – and you definitely won’t fall asleep. Think of something casual. Let’s say…’ 

And so on and so on…and as you’re fighting this pointless battle inside your head, you keep yourself awake. Well, why not right? Right. Then you look at the watch – for you’ve been expecting sleep any second and were disciplined enough not to look every 5 minutes. ‘CONGRATULATIONS!’ – you realize you’ve been lying in the bed with no result whatsoever. You get up – as quiet as possible, not to drag your sister from the sweet land of dreams – grab a sheet of paper and start writing down what comes to your mind. If you were a genius, it would probably be a masterpiece – so it was your destiny not to fall asleep on that particular night! But as you’re just a random person walking this Earth, you’ll finish it with no deeper thought, maybe even more frustrated and tired and definitely more awake (if it’s possible) but undoubtedly wiser: Sleep is overrated. 

And you’re already looking forward to your fresh–future–self. Oh, and don’t forget to write down the time -> 1:57 a.m.    

True story.

Good night.

Introverts are people too

‘It’s going to be fine,’ I lied to myself. ‘Everything is just fine.’ I looked at my reflection in the mirror. ‘You look good!’ I winked at myself and then laughed.  ‘This is ridiculous! It’s a party, you’re supposed to have fun! It shouldn’t cause you stress in the first place…’ I only knew Eric out of 20 people out there. Well, and his girlfriend whom I saw for the first time 15 minutes ago. I’ve been trying to find him but in vein. So I found a hiding place instead. ‘He could have introduced me to somebody at least. Never mind. I can do this! I…I…I’m an out – going, sociable, cool and self - confident person. I’ll just walk out of this door and start to extremely enjoy myself. I guess. At least that’s the plan.’ I glanced at my wristwatch. ‘23.57. Okay, let’s say I might have spent here a little more time than appropriate for a visit to the loo…but…but what?’ I shook my head at my own incapability of getting rid of my introvert self. ‘But I can have fun! I certainly can…when I’m with people I know’, I added to the conversation inside my head. I took a deep breath with my hand on the doorknob, plastered on a fake smile and then tried to figure out which part of the crowd looked more welcoming. Mmm alcohol…can we be friends?

There was a table with a lot of bottles, glasses and stuff. And a definitely not bad – looking guy. I elbowed my way through and helped myself to a shot of vodka and a glass of something that might have been orange juice. I felt the alcohol burn its way down my throat and I must have made a disgusted grimace cause the man next to me laughed. 

“Good, ay?”

“Great,” I chocked.

“Tom,” he reached out his hand.

“Hayley,” once I shook it I forgot his name. Damn, this happens far too often. I smiled shyly and poured myself another drink.

“And…where do you know Ivan from?” he asked.

“Oh, I…I don’t actually.” The music was roaring in the house. I guess it was ‘Time of my life’ – yeah definitely my case. He looked at me blankly. ‘I should probably say something,’ I figured. I gulped idly. ‘Say something! Anything!’ I urged myself.

“Ehm, nice place,” I pointed out though objects and furniture were hardly recognizable in the dimly – lit living room.

“What was it?” he moved closer. I waved my hand dismissively thinking of something highly intelligent or at least interesting to say. I thought of people who have the ability to talk even when there’s really, really nothing to talk about… I wondered how they do it.

“What do you do?” I yelled over the “Party rock anthem”.

“I’m an engineer, “ he yelled back. ‘Of course,’ I doubted.

“You?”

“Ehm, office work, paper work and stuff, yeah…real fun,” I laughed awkwardly.

“And…ehm,” I gathered more seconds, “where do you live?” 

He obviously couldn’t hear me for he just nodded and smiled hoping it wasn’t a question. Bad luck, man. I glanced at the unfamiliar faces surrounding me. No sight of Eric or his girlfriend. ‘Not hard to tell what they’re up to,’ I thought. 

The nameless guy was still staring at me. I wondered whether I should keep the ball rolling… I couldn’t really think of anything to say. So I helped myself to another vodka. I wasn’t quite sure how much I’d drunk since it was so dark there and the glass was rather big. 

Few moments later we’re casually moving our heads back and forth to the rhythm of “Sweet dreams”. He looked so awkward it was funny actually. Once I had another vodka rushing through my blood we’re kinda dancing together. 

“Got a girlfriend?” I blurred out not caring to be polite.

“Ehm, yeah, she’s around here… somewhere.” 

I couldn’t bother to stop touching him, holding him close to me. He seemed not to mind to be honest.

“Want another drink?” he whispered into my ear. 

I nodded eagerly, gratefully accepted the glass and drank the whole of it. I shut my eyes tightly then opened them again. After a few seconds I realized the room was floating before my own eyes. The guy wasn’t there or I couldn’t make out his face in the crowd. Just when I thought I’d rather get some fresh air somebody hugged me from behind and pressed me close to his body. It was apparently a man… I managed to turn around and recognize the guy, though his features were slightly blurred. He said something I barely heard but I laughed like insane. I was excited. This felt good, really good. No boundaries, no chains bounding me tight making it impossible to have the courage to behave like I please, nobody looking over my shoulder checking what I’m doing – not even myself. 

“FREEDOM!” I screamed at the top of my lungs and laughed. 

Then I remember I’d another drink or two, I felt the guy’s hand under my jeans, my lips on his, the music blasting in the background, some vague memories of singing with two girls and that’s about it… then just a huge black gap.

                     ▲                 ▲                ▲

 

‘I’m probably alive. But if being alive feels like this I’d rather be dead.’ This was the first thought when I woke up. My tongue was glued to my hard palate. ‘WATER,’ was the second thing that came up in my mind.  I slowly opened my eyes. ‘Why the fuck is everything still spinning around?!’ My eyelids were so heavy I passed out again.

The next time I woke up I heard some noises but wasn’t able to identify them. Somebody could have been freely stealing all my possessions and I couldn’t care less. The dryness in my mouth was unbearable. I tried to form some saliva but with no result. It felt like not a single drop of water was left in my whole body. I breathed slowly and rolled onto my back. Not a good idea…my stomach was upset. I suppressed the urge to puke. I fixed my gaze upon ceiling. Breath in. Breath out. 

‘It’s going to be fine,’ I lied to myself again. After a significant while of peering at the ceiling I realized it wasn’t mine. The ceiling, of course. I don’t have such a chandelier. Suddenly, all the differences hit me: it wasn’t the smell of my sheets, the size of my pillow or the colour of my walls… I panicked. 

‘Where the hell am I?!’ My feeling of nausea and thirst weren’t worrying me right now. ‘What has happened?’ I instinctively felt for my underwear. Not only was it there but I was also fully dressed. ‘That’s a good sign, I suppose.’ I looked around. I was in an unknown room. The door stood ajar. I heard some more noises, probably from the kitchen… ‘But who brought me here? Oh, I hope it’s Eric. I’ve never been to his apartment before, though. I really hope it’s him,’ I pondered this for a while and looked around for any clues, a photo or his piece of clothing. Instead I spotted my handbag. ‘Thank God! But I should probably get up and face whoever is behind that door.’

I swung my legs from the bed and sat up. Not a good move. Again. I hold onto my belly and inhaled deeply. ‘Relax.’ I realized the air was rather stuffy and my smelly breath not a great contribute. I was sitting there for a few minutes waiting for my stomach to settle a bit. The smell of fresh coffee reached my nostrils. It didn’t have the pleasant effect as usually. My knees supported my elbows and I hung my head down. ‘Okay. It’s better and better…’ Next to the bed there was a bucket. ‘Damn it! How embarrassing.’ There’re actually no traces of a throw – up but I was pretty sure it found its use yesterday. When I looked up a merry face filling the gap of the opened door scared the hell out of me.

“Jesus!” I clutched my hand to my chest. No sooner had the shock withdrawn a bit that I got the chance to thoroughly take in the guy’s face. His nose looked broken.

“I…” I began but not a single sentence was prepared in my mind for such a situation. I felt the colour rise into my cheeks.

“I… I’m sorry… I…” don’t know who you are – I finished in my head. ‘Oh my God, I’m so stupid.’

“Don’t worry, everybody has a tough night from time to time,” he smiled. 

“Breakfast?” he added and opened the door as an invitation to the kitchen. 

“Ehm…I… “ the very thought of food made me sick. But I didn’t want to be rude. 

“You don’t have to eat,” he winked playfully and made his way down the corridor. I gathered all my imaginary courage and slowly stood up. ‘Good,’ I thought until I made the first step. The floor wasn’t as solid as it was supposed to. I held onto a wardrobe. After a while everything steadied itself and I followed him to the kitchen.

He was munching a toast noisily, smearing marmalade with a knife onto another. There were a lot of crumbles around his plate. A second plate was set. Apparently for me…

“Thank you so much for…” I broke off in the middle of the sentence. ‘For what exactly? I don’t even remember.’  

“Ehm for rescuing me,” I laughed uncomfortably. Gosh, pathetic. He put down the toast, wiped his greasy fingers into the front of his T – shirt and sat back in his chair. He folded his arms on his chest and his brow furrowed. 

“Well, I guess you wouldn’t be so thankful if you knew we slept together and made a deal you rather wouldn’t keep your word on doing, right?” My jaw dropped, I couldn’t make a sound. He held my gaze for a few seconds then threw his head back and laughed. 

“Easy. Only joking. I’m not a rapist or thief or something like that.”

“I suppose your hangover isn’t as bad as mine then if you’re up to such jokes…” I murmured through gritted teeth.

“Oh, come on. Don’t be mad at me,” he smiled and motioned me to take a seat. I sat down and asked for a glass of water. 

“So…ehm… what’s happened last night?” I had absolutely no idea. Flashes of blurred images were all I had. 

“Ok. What’s the last point you remember?”

“Uhm…well…I…ehm…well…drinking, us kissing,” I lowered my look and blushed again, ”ehm, then singing I guess ‘I will always love you’ and well, not much really and I think that’s not the whole picture…”

“No, certainly not,” he laughed. “Okay, so you approached me, we drank together, talked, then danced and kissed and drank a little more and so on…”

“Wait, what do you mean with…with “and so on”?” I panicked. 

He chuckled. “Don’t worry, nothing that could make you pregnant.”

“Oh, ehm fine,” I tittered nervously. 

“Right, where was I? Yeah, later, however, my girlfriend found me and she wasn’t very happy to see my tongue down your throat and punched me in the face,” he paused. My hand flew to my mouth. 

“I’m so sorry,” I literary felt the colour in my cheeks. 

“Ah, no big deal,” he shook his head. “I wanted to break up with her anyway…Although I wanted her heart to be broken not my nose!” he cackled nastily. “Never mind…Want to hear more?” I nodded unsurely. 

“Then you’re rather sentimental about your personality, that you’re such an introvert and stuff like that. But what I saw yesterday was far from being introvert.”

“Alcohol extroverted me,” I shrugged.

“Definitely,” he chuckled. “Some guys wanted you to dance for them, so with no hesitation you climbed onto a table and the stage was yours.”

“Oh, God,” I closed my eyes. “What else?”

“Easy, you’ve nothing to be ashamed of…I mean wow your body and moves, it was pretty amazing and sexy!” 

“Oh, please…” I waved my hand dismissively. “What was next?”

“Uhm, a guy called Eric looked for you, but I said I’ll take care of you and he disappeared.”

“Yeah, that’s my reliable friend who brought me to the party,” I said sarcastically.

“Then we drank more and you said you couldn’t bear the amount of emotions anymore and that you have to sing it out.”

“Did I really say that?” I laughed.

“Yop. Well, and when you were supposed to hit the highest and longest tone you…” he hesitated.

“What? I what?”

“You puked all over the place and I decided it was time to go home.”

“Oh, no.” Facepalm. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the most embarrassing night of Hayley Cooper!’

“And,” he started.

“No way. There’s more?” I squeaked desperately. 

He smiled. “Don’t worry, I just wanted to say that the whole way home you’re trying to persuade me how fine you’re and that you’re not that drunk.”

“How come you remember so much?”

“Dunno. Guess I’m already used to.”

“Ehm can I use your toilet, please?” I asked.

“Of course,” he laughed. I stood up and waited for directions. 

“Oh, you don’t remember where it is, do you? though you’re pretty close yesterday,” he sneered. I smiled bitterly.

“Sorry,” he held up his hand to apologize. “To the left and second door.”

When I returned I said: ”I…ehm…I’m really sorry to have caused you so much trouble. The nose and puke and everything…if…if there’s anything I can do you for you, just…just say.”

He thought for a while. “Yes, there really is something you can do for me.” He looked at me intensely. ‘Is he flirting or…?’ I wondered. 

“Don’t – ever – drink – again!“ he said. I laughed out loud. 

“Promise?”

“No problem,” I rolled my eyes and grinned. 

I thanked him for the hundredth time and we said goodbye. ‘I really need to find out his name,’ I thought as he closed the door behind me.         

                 

What the eye doesn't see, the heart doesn't grieve over

Miranda Watts lay on her bed, a sleeping eye patch covering her eyes for she has recently undergone an eye surgery to improve her sight. The curtains were drawn so that not much light could penetrate into the room. It was thoroughly quiet in the whole house just the wall clock was ticking loudly. She heard a voice from downstairs. ,Probably just Ian talking on the phone,’ Miranda thought. Ian West was her boyfriend she has been living with over a year now. They consider themselves being happily in love, planning their future together. She was just daydreaming about a nice summer holiday when she heard nearing footsteps. 

“Oh, darling, perfect timing! I’m so thirsty. Please, get me something, will you?”

“Uhm,” he said quietly, moving around the room, looking for a glass. Some more footsteps, bathroom door creaking, a click of the switch, water running, another click of the switch, footsteps.

“Thank youuuuu!” she accepted the glass gratefully. She drank it at a single gulp. “Ah, that’s good…” she handed him the glass back.

“Oh my God, I just had the weirdest dream ever!” she went on. “We were sitting on a bench when it turned into a boat,” she described vividly and gestured broadly. Suddenly, we were on the open sea and I was like “Paddle! We’re sinking! and you were like “No! Do it yourself woman!” can you believe it?!” she laughed not really waiting for an answer. ”Then,” she burst out dramatically, “water appeared in our boat and I thought, silly me, it was just seawater, right? But…but,” she was already choking because of all the laughing. After a while she calmed down.

“Guess what! It was amniotic fluid. Imagine! Amniotic fluid all over the boat!” she was rolling from side to side laughing her head off, the bed softly creaking every now and then. He, on the other hand, didn’t think it was that funny but chuckled in spite of himself. When Miranda was happy Ian was too. Right now she seemed in seventh heaven.

“Wanna know what it was, Daddy? POP! A baby girl was there and a second later POP! Another little human being. A boy! Twins! Ohmigod, two at a time! Impossible. Do you have the picture? Big, big mess, endless crying, sleepless nights, dirty nappies, multiply by two and you have it. 

“Oh, yeah,” she sighed and threw her arm over her eyes. He studied her silently for a moment, his heart leapt at the thought of having a child with Miranda. He shook his head and sighed knowing it’s probably never going to happen.

“Yes, exactly. I know what you mean…” she pointed her forefinger in the direction where she thought he might be standing. “All the non-stop care and responsibility and stuff…” she trailed off. Silence fell, his long deep breath alongside her short and sharp.

“You know, I think we still have time…we should enjoy a few years to ourselves and then we will see,” she smiled to the ceiling. ,But I don’t have much time…’ he thought miserably, his mind rushing back to the conversation a few minutes ago.

“Well, never mind. Let’s drop it… I hope the recovery won’t take much longer. I wonder what the doctors will say on Monday…gosh I really miss the daylight. You know, it’s not until you lose something that you realise how much you need it,” she stated.

“Uhm,” he could only agree.

“And when you have it again you’re back where you were – to your selfish, ungrateful, not appreciating self. So sad actually.” They both pondered this for a while. She yawned, stretched and adjusted her eye patch.

“It’s funny but resting and sleeping so much makes me even more tired. Already looking forward to working out and jogging and well anything that doesn’t involve lying in bed.” He raised his eyebrows wondering if she realizes what she has just excluded. “No!” she cried. “Wait. Not everything of course, honey.” They both laughed. They have known each other for so long already. ,She always talks first and then thinks,’ he smiled. ,So beautiful…so close and yet so far,’ he was uneasy.

A bird sang outside. He looked out of the window. Miranda inhaled slowly, hoping Ian will get the hint. A wooden floorboard creaked gently under his feet, there was a sound of a handle being turned and a second later she felt a breeze of fresh air brush her skin. A satisfied smile settled on Miranda’s face. He took a step closer to the bed and considered saying something finally. Just when he opened his mouth a brilliant idea entered his head.

“I could get used to such a good service, you know,” she said slyly. “I have all I want and need in the blink of an eye, well metaphorically speaking of course,” she giggled as her eyes were supposed to be closed the whole time. He sat down on the edge of the bed. Miranda was all smiles. “But I reckon sooner or later, you’d become fed up with me,” she bit her lip innocently. He placed his hand lightly on the pillow beside her head. “But I suppose I’d just become a lazy…” he leaned over her so that their faces were only a few inches from one another. “…coach potato,” she breathed out. “I… ehm do you have a new scent?” he smiled at how easily she could lose her bearings sometimes. She frowned. He knew it was time to clear the air. He kissed her, his heart throbbing wildly in his chest. As their lips finally parted, he ran his finger along her cheek and imprinted the image of the breathless Miranda, whose mouth was still slightly open, into his mind. “I…” she gasped unable to say anything. Miranda wasn’t used to be speechless. She listened motionlessly to his withdrawing footsteps which were muffled by the carpet in the corridor. 

As he was going downstairs Ian’s words echoed in his head: “This is going to be the first thing she sees when her eyes are fine again!” and the picture of the engagement ring appeared clearly before his eyes.

“Hey, man!” Ian exclaimed from the living room. “How is she?”

“What…? Oh, she’s just fallen asleep…” he smiled weakly. “Better let her rest a little more,” he added quickly when Ian headed in the direction of the stairs.

“Yeah, right,” Ian winked.

“I gotta be going.”

He had already his hand on the doorknob when Ian called: “Hey, Brian!” Brian looked over his shoulder avoiding making eye contact.

“Swing by anytime you like. I mean, Miranda is always glad to see you.”

,As I’m her best friend it’s only natural Ian…’ Brian thought sarcastically.

“Well, right now,” Ian laughed awkwardly, “rather say to hear you,” he winked again.

,Oh, what a pleasure it would be to stick that eye out,’ Brian visualized mischievously.  

“Be sure I’ll,” he answered and left with as little as hope in the back of his mind.

The danger of being stubborn

„Grandpa?” No reaction. 

“Grandpa, can you hear me?” The old man kept staring on the TV. Jason was exhausted and raised his voice: “Grandpa, please, switch on your earpiece!” 

The old man in the armchair turned his head towards his son-in-law and nodded. He adjusted his glasses on his small nose and said: “Yes, boy. I’d been fighting for piece with these hands!” Jason sighed. 

“You weren’t even a sperm, “he went on, “not even a thought and I’d already shot the first bloody…” 

“Ehm, yes, yes. I know,” Jason interrupted him and reached out for the gadget in his ear himself. 

“So many bullets had shot past these ears, I can tell…” Jason’s father-in-law Jonathan got lost in his memories. 

“Would you like some more tea?” Jason asked wanting this day to be over. 

“Tea? Oh, those were the times of discipline, order! No distractions. One goal. One mission.” 

Jason closed his eyes and massaged his temples. He was more and more frustrated. Suddenly, he felt his black trousers being tugged. His blue eyes shot open and he looked down at his 6-year-old daughter Lilly. She looked so small, so fragile. Jason knelt down to be on the same eye level and took her little hands. 

“What’s up sweetie?” 

She was so small. Too young to understand, to cope with it. Just then Jason realized he had wrongly buttoned up her black dress. ‘She must have been wearing it like this all day,’ he thought. ‘Nobody noticed. Or everybody was busy pretending she wasn’t there. Just to make it easier for themselves,’ Jason thought angrily. 

Lilly looked to the ground, her dark hair falling into her face, lips slightly trembling and in a shaky voice asked: “Daddy, when is mummy coming back?” She looked back at him questioningly. She was such a smart kid. But too young. Far too young for something like this. Jason felt tears forming in his eyes, knowing it’s not the right time for them to be rolling down his cheeks. No. Not now. Not in front of Lilly. He has to be strong, a super daddy. He gulped hard thinking it’s the worst question he ever got and knowing the answer is even worse. ‘They look so much alike,’ he thought desperately. 

“Lilly, honey,” Jason said trying to control his voice. “You remember when grandma went to heaven to watch us all, right?” Lilly nodded. Jason had a feeling she already knew what was coming but those words just needed to be said aloud. 

“Yeah, well…and mummy wanted to help her. You know how many of us here are. So now they’re both watching us, guarding over us. Remember, sweetie, you can always carry mummy here in your heart. Wherever you go, she’s with you. Remember that, ok?” 

Jason hugged her tight, her head resting on his shoulder. After a while Lilly pulled away and frowned. 

“But…” she thought for a second. “I could help them, too!” she said in a cheery voice and smiled revealing the gap in her upper teeth row. Jason found the missing tooth under her pillow a few days ago, when Lilly refused to sleep on her own, so he took her to his big double-bed. It seemed so ridiculously big now that the other side was empty. 

“Oh, darling, I’m sure they didn’t manage to prepare you a place there yet. I think they don’t have much work for little 6-year-old girls up there.” 

She scowled and shook her head: ”I want to be with mummy!” 

She refused what he was trying to explain to her. So stubborn. Jason’s heart sank at this realization – Jenifer used to be stubborn. Too stubborn in fact. ’Maybe if she wasn’t, she could still have been here today…’ he thought miserably. He closed his eyes and held Lilly close to his chest…

* * *

Jenifer lay on the bed, a wet towel across her face. Again it was one of those bad days. A splitting headache, she had to leave work early. With both hands she pressed her eyes hard. She felt like having nails hammered into her head with an elephant sitting on it. 

“Oh, Gosh,” she slowly sat up breathing hard. She rooted through the drawers of her bedside table, sighed desperately. 

“Where are the pills?” Jenifer shouted making her head thud even more. She held it in both hands waiting for the answer. 

“Ehm…look in my table, second drawer I reckon,” Jason shouted back from the kitchen. 

Jenifer stood up, a sudden blackness blinding her for a while and she had to hold to the bed for support. She looked for the white container with blue letters... Jason was just tasting a sauce when Jenifer walked frowning into the kitchen. He looked over his shoulder and when he saw her expression, he asked concerned: ”What’s up, darling?” Jenifer inhaled slowly. 

“Who is Dr. Ashby?” 

Jason turned back to his sauce and answered matter-of-factly: “He is a neurologist. The best in town.” Jenifer pursed her lips and shook her head disbelievingly. 

“Okay...and what’s happening at 9 a.m. on Wednesday?” Jenifer folded her arms impatiently, Jason was stirring the sauce. 

“Well, it’s an appointment in his office. To talk. We are going together, Jenny.” He didn’t dare to meet her eye for he knew what would come. Jenifer laughed sharply.

“I don’t need a super neurologist, some Mr. Ashtray to lock me up in his lab! But you feel free to go,” she waved her hand and walked away. Jason threw the scoop angrily into the sink and followed her. 

“Jenifer, listen… these headaches…it’s not normal, it’s been too much lately.” 

“I-am-just-a-bit-tired! That’s all,” she snapped through gritted teeth. 

“No, it might be something serious!” 

“Might but might not…” 

“Jenifer, stop it! You can’t play it down anymore. I’m not joking. You have to see a doctor.” 

Jason looked at his wife pleading to change her mind. “Please, for me and Lilly,” he added softly. Jason saw her pain, her suffering, her inner fight – maybe considering his last words.

“Look,” he took a step closer, “if it’s ok, then he’ll say you just need to rest more.” 

“And if it’s not?! Then what, Jason?” 

“I…“ 

“Then I’m going to die alone in a hospital surrounded by tubes and devices humming lullabies!” She sobbed quietly in Jason’s arms. He rocked her gently back and forth.

“Please, let them help you. I’m worried about you.”

“But I’m scared.” 

“I know. And I can’t say I’m not. But no matter what they say, I’ll be there for you.”

She didn’t go to see the doctor. And not even the week after or the one after that. Not until one day when she fainted and Jason brought her to the hospital. They said it was an advanced brain tumour. She requested to stay home so a nurse was arranged to see her and to give her the medicine regularly. She wasn’t the only one who the tumour sucked life out of. Jason stayed with her night and day, at her side till she drew her last breath and never opened her soft grey eyes again.

* * *

Now he has to be strong again for the other woman in his life – for his small daughter Lilly. He held her tight in his arms, rocking her soothingly back and forth just as Jenifer back then. He closed his eyes letting the tears fall, assured Jenny is at a better place now.                       

The second

Time. Time is valuable, precious and priceless. You can’t buy it or swap it for something else. You can’t control or possess it. Time and tide wait for no man… Yeah, that’s true. In fact, time is your enemy. Never friendly, really. You see, when you need him the most he always runs away, disappears to nowhere in particular. And with disappear I really mean disappear so that you can’t find it anymore. You can search every nook and cranny but he won’t come back. That’s the period when you’re desperately longing for his presence. But he won’t just come by and say Hello! and stay… No. He appears at the very inappropriate moments. Just when you don’t want to see him, maybe even can’t stand him any longer – he is there. You want to get rid of him as soon as possible but you can’t. He lingers around, tortures you with just being there. He never stops, never waits, never slows down. Always the same restless, annoying, persistent and rhythmic tick – tock, tick – tock, tick – tock…

Sometimes a second is underestimated. We just don’t see its actual value. Nor did I. Till something changed my life. Surprisingly, it was just a little short unnoticed second.

People never believe that their life can change very quickly. Always mistakenly thinking they have enough time to do this, to experience that. But honestly, we don’t. You know, when you’re old (well, you probably aren’t yet) questions like ‘Was my life fulfilling?’ or ‘Did I manage to do everything I wanted?’ ‘What about my achievements, dreams, goals…’ ‘Am I satisfied to whom I grew up?’ just come up. You worry about your past, your mistakes but also recall the nice and pleasant memories. Most young people don’t ask themselves such questions. And why? I don’t know, but normally you just don’t suppose you will die young, do you? So in the youth have fun, explore the world and let’s don’t give the time left a second thought until “the end” draws nearer. That’s a nice plan, isn’t it? 

But what if there is no time saved for you? Wouldn’t you rather you didn’t waste that afternoon just lying about and doing nothing (except updating your Facebook status to ‘bored’ in capitals and many, many exclamation marks – but not really doing anything about it, right?)? Would you consider your time management more carefully? Making it worth the while you stay here on Earth? Yes, you probably would… but who knew? Who would think it ends so soon? Nobody.

Personally, I took life for granted. Always too busy, too far away to live my life thinking I’ll just catch up later…later when I’m too old to work and ready to settle down, relax. It’s all about time. If it wasn’t for this one second, for this one particular decision (at that time I thought it was wrong but now I changed my mind) my life wouldn’t surely have even begun. Ironically, it almost ended. But could something that didn’t even happen to start really be over? Tricky question, I know. To be honest, I wasn’t very sure there was anybody who would drop a genuine tear if I’d pass away at that time. However, I don’t doubt it now. To understand what I mean you need to know my background. 

I was a bitch. Not my words but some people called me that and afterwards never spoke to me again. It was for example, my own sweetheart brother, my best friend, eventually my boyfriend and my lovely parents as well. But I guess the latter had chosen other words to describe the very same fact. 

Back then, I didn’t care because I hadn’t needed them. I had all that really mattered to me. So what is a warm family and a loving boyfriend for? ‘I can still make it up with then later’ I reassured myself. ‘Later when there’s time for relationships.’ That’s very nice when you’ve enough time available. Yes. But. What if you don’t? 

So there I was – twenty – four with a degree and a great job position. I hadn’t a 6 – cipher salary but for a beginner pretty good. I just broke up with Jeff – that’s my ex, had a huge fight with Colin – my dearest brother and turned down an invitation for dinner from my parents. “L.O.W.,” I would reply (what meant lot of work, they knew the abbreviation by now). “Sorry,” and I hung up without further explaining. I had no idea that that ordinary day would turn out to be the beginning of my new life.

Once again I was snowed under with work and had to stay at work till ten o’clock. My eyelids were heavy and I couldn’t focus anymore. So I made my way home already planning tomorrow, checking my list of must – do – things in my head. I wasn’t really paying attention to the surroundings just automatically putting on food in front of the other. 

Suddenly, a thought struck my mind – why not take a shortcut, you’re tired, you need your rest and your bed, it’s late and you’ve got to get up early, be ready for the next day, full of energy, new tasks ahead, new demands, challenges, problems to be solved…moreover, you’ll save time! Time, time, time, precious time. Always following schedules, timetables, set arrangements, nothing spontaneous or unplanned in advance. 

So I turned right and headed to the local park. I hated going there especially at night because it was all dark and scary. ‘But I’ll save time,’ I thought and persuaded myself. There was nobody to be seen around…nobody to call for help in case either… I tried to push such thoughts out of my mind and focused on my tomorrow’s duties instead. The path was lined with lot of bushy trees creating spooky shadows. My imagination was freaking me out so that I almost expected something to jump abruptly out of its mysterious hiding place scaring me to death with its ugly face and hunched figure, smelly breath and skinny hands eager to kill…STOP IT! I ordered myself. I shook my head and exhaled slowly to calm down a bit. Again I busied my mind with my tasks. 

An ivied bridge which crossed my path came in view. Underneath the bridge where I had to go were no lights. Just then out of nowhere a silhouette appeared in the distance. I clutched my handbag instinctively tightly to my body feeling uneasy. My gut feeling told me to turn around, choose another way to go home. But then I thought ‘Don’t be silly, it’s not Jack the Ripper or some serial killer, you’re almost home’. Well, almost…

So there we were, just the two of us in the dark. Maybe it’s just a plump lady wearing a huge jacket and a bulging bag on the back… As the unknown person drew nearer I noticed it was neither a harmless woman nor a pleasant peaceful man. I tried to remain serene and hurried forwards. Then he slowed down. I panicked. I caught a glimpse of what he was holding in his hand. A sharp silver blade shone in the moonlight. My heart was throbbing loudly in my chest. I had just one second to decide what to do. 

In that very moment I had the feeling everything froze – time, my body, my mind, my breath… So many things happened in the second. I started to run. But he was faster. He grabbed my arm, pushed me to the wall and the next thing I remember is an awful pain in my stomach, my handbag being torn from underneath my stiff arm and my body falling to the ground. My hand flew to my belly. I felt something wet and sticky and there was more and more of it. I wanted to scream, to shout for help but no sound came…I had nothing, everything was gone with the stolen purse. My clothes were soaked through with blood that was still oozing from the wound. All of a sudden, from one second to the other, I was unconscious. 

When I woke up I was confused and every inch of my body hurt. I slowly opened my eyes and tried to figure out where I was. The neon hospital lights blinded me for a while. I heard voices and then somebody said my name. The voice was soft and full of worry. I blinked a few times and begun to recognize faces around my bed. My mother was leaning upon me, my father was standing on the left side and at the foot of the bed was nervously fidgeting Colin. 

“Hey,” I croaked. 

Mum burst out in tears and nearly squashed my hand. It was turning blue by now…

“Ah, hello sunshine,” dad smiled encouragingly. “I’ll call the doctor.” 

Colin just nodded his head in my direction and then looked away.

“Mum. Mum, what happened?”

“You’re mugged, darling,” mum said with concern. “And the attacker also stabbed you four times in your belly,” she added. “You almost bled to death,” mum said in a weak voice.

“But then he came by,” Colin pointed out of the room window, “and saved you,” he smiled. 

On the corridor there was standing a man with blond hair wearing glasses and talking to a nurse. 

“You’re really lucky. Five minutes later and I’d get rid of you,” Colin teased. 

Mum shot an offensive look at him. I giggled but everything hurt so I rather stopped. Even though I was lying there with a bandaged belly and head, I was happy. Seeing my family’s faces being worried just because of me meant the world to me. 

I realized so many things right there. It was rather cruel that I almost had to lose my life to understand some things. To understand what really matters in life. It’s not your job or career. Or money. It’s the people you share it with and other things you can’t buy such as health, happiness or love. I realized that the more impossible it is to buy something the bigger value it has. You have to spend your time with your family and friends not with your office desk. Hadn’t it been for the blond – haired man I’d left this world angry with my brother, far away from my parents, without any real friends. Fortunately, I got another chance to fix everything. And I’m not about to mess it up this time.