When I attended a course of creative writing some time ago the last task was to fill in a questionnaire. Questions such as How long have you been writing? Is it your hobby or profession? Did you like this course? etc. etc. However, I had to laugh when I saw that to the last question What does writing mean to you? were given only three lines for the answer! I mean please… Hello?! We are supposed to be writers, journalists or something like that and an answer on three lines to such a question would be rather poor if you ask me…
To my disappointment, however, I was the only one who actually minded the lack of space. I had to ask for an extra sheet of paper! Others just accepted those lame three lines and squeezed their answers in the provided space. They wrote for example: Writing means everything to me. Or It’s a good way to relax. And Money! Others are really not worth mentioning. I have to admit I was rather surprised that they either couldn’t express with words (what is essential when it comes to writing, just by the way dear future colleagues) what writing means to them or they just lack the passion I have for it. Well, of course writing means everything to me and sure I like to relax while writing something new and sure I can earn my living by pen. But for me it’s a whole lot more than that. I don’t know where to begin…
It’s a completely different world. It’s just you, a blank sheet of paper (or a laptop if you like) and your pen. Just the three of you stepping together into a new adventure. Or you may continue in an old one and see how it develops further. It’s a world where nothing else matters. The setting, sounds and persons disappear and something new is being created. You literally make up your own world. There are no boundaries, no limits. The only master is your mind. You can let it wander wherever you like. You’re left on your own in a battlefield with your thoughts. Sometimes they overwhelm you and you get lost in your own story. However, it’s important to wake up and live your own life not the life of your fictional character.
When I write I feel free, careless, light as a feather. I’m unstoppable! My pen being my only weapon – or weapen and words the bullets that I fire. Well, anyway, I’m powerful at least somewhere. People often forget about the power tiny little words have. I could write another sheet of paper about the powerfulness of words, how influential, hurtful or cheerful they can be but I just want to tell you how writing makes me feel and what does it mean to me.
Entering the world of writing is like coming out of my shell. I can say the words I’m afraid to say facing a person. Then secretly hoping they’ll find themselves in my story and get the message. I can insult somebody without the need of taking it back or apologizing. I can pull one’s leg or break it if I want. I can be cruel and kill an innocent child or fair and kill a goddamn murderer. I can even fall in love without my heart being broken. I’m able to be anyone, do anything, to be anywhere. Nobody tells you what, how and when to do this or that. As I said you’re free.
Writing is a process of creation. You have the assurance that what you write is unique and yet unseen. Of course there’s a limited number of words (although you may create new ones if you like) but still you can be sure that nobody in this whole wide world has written something like that before. I’m not saying it’s immediately a masterpiece or a bestselling book. For me the fact that I created something new is sufficient. That feeling fulfills me with happiness. Genuine happiness. Just like a dog with two tails. I re – read a few times what I’ve written and give myself a pat on the back. Not because it’s the best thing I’ve ever written but because I finished it. I’m the author! I also thank God for being one of the lucky ones who have a nose for a story, who have the gift to be out of the blue struck by an idea.
The funny thing is I never expect it. I mean having a new idea. Suddenly, even a small impulse can launch the domino effect. For others a barely noticeable thought, movement, sight, item or a single word can drag me far away from everything to my world. And here it goes. In a wink of an eye a whole story begins to unfold itself to me. Sometimes I don’t even realize I influence it in any way. It’s so natural, like it’s been living the whole time in me and was found again. Most of the time it’s effortless - like breathing, you don’t need to think: Ok Christina, now breathe in, right, and come on now exhale…well done! No, I guess that would be exhausting and would take too long. Honestly it would sound strange if I say I don’t need to think about what I write because then you could think I write aimless crap – what I actually hope against hope is not my case haha. But what I’m trying to say is that thinking about what to write and which words to choose to get the message across clearly is in comparison to solving mathematical tasks a piece of cake. It’s easy and natural because the story writes itself practically. I’m just its means to become material and visible to others. To sum up, thinking about a story doesn’t hurt!
Imagine a room stuffed full with people. Bored, tired and sweating people. You, squashed among them. Exhausting lecture in process. Your head is bulging with the amount of “those new interesting information”. Now thinking really is a torture, you can’t even focus on letters appearing in your notebook. Not much oxygen left. All windows closed. The air is hot, stuffy and feels like sticky glue in your lungs. You’re counting down every second left. And finally…it’s over! You feel pressure from all sides. Everyone wants to get out. You reach the door, your goal. You drew the first breath of fresh air – freedom, nobody around, your mind is clear – that’s exactly how writing feels. The first breath. Sitting down with a blank sheet of paper waiting, pen in your hand is like eventually quenching your thirst with the first gulp. Or like laughing your head off, you can barely breathe and your stomach hurts. Or like a kiss from a person you love, making your heart leap out of your chest. Writing is about sharing a piece of yourself, of your heart. If you’re afraid of it, better drop the pen… Writing is not just a free-time activity. No. It’s a lifestyle in a different world.
